November 29, 2005

We buried my granddaddy yesterday.

Some people go through life never knowing the love of a grandparent and even parents for that matter. But I'm not one of those people. My family was incredibly blessed to be wittnesses to such a beautiful life. I and my sister were the most blessed. We are the grandbabies. And I dare say, we got the best of him in every way. Mom was worried for a while there that we would only remember these last few years, which were hard for everyone. Especially Granddaddy. So this is for my mom.

She wrote that he was a gentle man. And so much more.

I remember that my granddaddy was a hard worker. One thing I noticed, when I asked about who he was before he became Granddaddy, everyone acknowledged how hard he worked. He served in World War II working on the planes and radar technology. He worked for Montgomery Ward. He worked in the yard. Even as he aged, he always had a job to do. His family never had to worry about being taken care of, because he did it. He had an incredible work ethic, not just for his employers but for everyone. Work at it with all of your heart, as though you're working for the Lord and not for men. Granddaddy must have known that verse pretty well. I never heard him complain about anything.

I remember that Granddaddy was genourous and kind. He gave his time, his effort, his money, his love, his heart. If he had it, he gave it. I don't think he kept anything for himself except for the hankerchiefs that we got him for Christmas every year. He lived his life as though he really believed it was a gift for him to share. And share he did. He had kind eyes, a kind smile, and kind, gentle hands that were always open.

I remember Granddaddy was playful. He was the only adult I ever knew that would play with us the entire time we were with him. He played kickball with us in the back yard. He took us to the zoo on nice days and had picnics in the park with us. We often played with Granddaddy all day and at lunch time would meet up with Grandmom and play with her some too. We went ice skating at the tandy center; we even planted a garden. He taught us how to ride our bikes. Mom said, and I believe this is true, he would play any game that we wanted to play, and he would play as long as we wanted to. He valued children to the highest degree. Especially me and Tracy. If we sat down to color, he would sit there with us the entire time, telling us what a good job we were doing, and helping us to color in the lines. Nobody could swing us higher than he could. And nobody could push a merry go round faster.

I remember that granddaddy was humble. I don't think I ever knew what Granddaddy's favorites were. I guess I always thought his favorite food was Pancho's, his favorite game was skeeball, and his favorite thing to do was push the merry-go-round. If he didn't like something, I never knew about it. It always seemed to me that he loved everyone and everything. He never tried to push his own way or step on others toes. He was never critical. He never judged, even when he may have had plenty reason to. He always seemed to mind his own business and do the best he could. He was a servant who never served for his own personal gain or acknowlegement. He never argued. I don't think he liked debate. He didn't talk much about social justice, or how to save the world or fight aids. He didn't lobby for a better America. But he was the only person I've ever known that actually fed the hungry. (on a daily basis, not just on christmas and thanksgiving). I don't think we'll ever know how many banana boxes that man filled with food to take to the hungry. I think that when Jesus said Don't let your right hand know how much your left hand is giving, he meant to make it such a habit that you don't even realize you're doing it. That was my Granddaddy. It was a habit for him to give. He wouldn't accept accolades for such a thing. It was to him like eating or breathing. He just did it.

Most of all, I remember Granddaddy's hands. He had big gentle hands. Hands that only yesterday I held one more time. When we went to church, I used to hold his hands and gently push the vains down and up. He had big veins and they were fun to push on. He never minded. His hands were strong and often bruised or callused. He used them to rake the leaves, to push the swing, to tap, tap, tap that merry-go-round until it went so fast that we thought we'd throw up. He used them to shell pecans and peas while watching the Price is Right. I can't even imagine how many pecans that man picked up in his lifetime. He used them to dig me out of a trash can at the mall. In fact, he's dug me out of a couple of holes in my lifetime. He used them to hoe the garden, to feed the hungry, to push our bikes until we could do it on our own, to hold us all up at one point or another. His hands shook most of my life, but they were perfect.

I've heard it said that we all as Christians have a testimony to someone demonstrating the fruits of the Spirit in our lives. Granddaddy shined a light for us all. He was a glimpse of love, humility, and most of all Jesus. Joe Haney passed away on November 24, 2005, Thanksgiving Day. I know that many of us share what we're thankful for on that special holiday. I'm so priveledged and so thankful to have been in the presence of such a man as Granddaddy. We've witnessed something true, something beautiful, and many many holy moments.

November 21, 2005

Why do we sing?

Does it ever strike anyone else as odd that we gather in a building, millions of us, all over the world, every Sunday to sing? How is it that we who are reasonable people, who drive nice, or not so nice cars, and talk business and politics and discuss the values of owning a weapon, get together once a week, whether we have ability or not, to sing? What is it about God that suddenly makes us need to be musical? What is it about God that he wants our music?

Does anyone else go to church on Sunday and find it strickingly funny that all of these people in all of these places are gathering to sing, whether traditional or contemporary, instrumental or accapella, we gather, not for a concert, but to sing?

So, why do we do it? And don't give an easy answer. Think about this one. If your going to say because God wants us to, I want you to share an idea as to why. You don't have to be right, I just want your opinions. Defend the music people!

God & Chocolate

From Blue Like Jazz: "We would eat chocolates and smoke cigarettes and read the Bible, which is the only way to do it, if you ask me. The Bible is so good with chocolate. I always thought the Bible was more of a salad thing but it isn't. It's a chocolate thing."

Taste and see that the Lord is good. I don't guess I ever thought of it that way. Maybe I always equated God with salads and sandwiches and maybe sushi. You know, stuffy food. But not chocolate. Not the rich beautiful decadence of chocolate. Chocolate is sinful isn't it? But maybe theres something to this. Chocolate goes with God and God with chocolate. I think I'm getting somewhere now.

What about you? What foods go best with God to you?

(This is a light hearted post, designed simply to celebrate God. If he is the love of my life, to what can I compare him?)

November 8, 2005

I had an awesome birthday. We went to the zoo on Saturday with the family and had an enourmous picnic in the park. We played so hard all day.

I got to see the Monkeys doin it! (Got pictures too, but I'll spare you the details). And we saw 5 week old lion cubs. They were so precious. And they kinda reminded me of Eli!.

Sunday, we went to church and finally placed membership. Our church actually has a discipleship program. Which is awesome. We really like it where we are now.

Jeremy took me to Tony Roma's on Sunday. Surprise! And Elijah got me the Lucia Micerelli cd. (I don't think that's spelled right).

I have the coolest family ever.

November 3, 2005

There is nothing like the satisfaction that occurs when the child you have wrestled with for an hour finally goes limp in your arms. And it's doubled when you see him smiling in blissfull sleep.

October 23, 2005

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPIT SISTER!!! Hope it was great. I tried to call you, but you didn't answer.

Look Elijah posed for you.

And an official HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jackie too! I love you both and hope that you've had wonderful days.

October 10, 2005

Okay, this is the best representation of my color that I could find in all those pictures that Jeremy took.. but my face isn't in it. Oh well.

October 7, 2005

Elijah got his hair cut last week. The lady insisted on gelling it. Here's my precious little punk.

October 6, 2005

I dyed my hair for the first time today. Pictures may be forthcoming.

October 4, 2005

Okay I'm going to start a new little part of my posting called "Jesus is" or "Jesus was" (referring to His time here on earth. I'm doing this simply because I'm discovering something new and wonderful everyday about the personality of this friend and I don't want to forget.

So..

Jesus was...

Completely vulnerable. He never seemed to have a guard up. He was never hiding a deep secret. He was completely vulnerable with everyone. He never bothered to make small talk. He just cut right to the heart. And He never felt the need to protect himself. Granted he was completely perfect so he didn't really have any deep dark secrets, but when you give your love so completely to another you always run the risk of rejection. Jesus never let that stop him. And I guess if I am going to learn to be like Jesus, I've got to learn to be completely vulnerable. How I would love to learn to give my love and compassion and heart to anyone who would take it. To share my faith and passion in such a way that knows no fear. How I would love to be completely honest about what God is doing in my heart and how I'm fighting it. How I want to stop this selfish shyness and meet people like Jesus did when he was here; loving them first and then allowing them to get to know Him.

I want to be like Jesus in everything and I guess this aspect of his personality cuts to the heart of what is holding me back so often. But at the same time, by knowing that Jesus was completely vulnerable while he was here, I also know that he is completely vulnerable with me as well. Our relationship knows no secrets whether I like it or not. And he has cut to the heart of so many of my relational problems. I'm so afraid of not measuring up, of being rejected, of missing out on somebody's love. I spend so much of my time asking (in not so many words) others to do and fill what only Jesus is meant to do and fill. So friends, and Jeremy, your off the hook. I love you all completely, and I'm not perfect, but I know that there is one relationship that must be cultivated to it's fullest before I can be worth anything to any of you. Ladies, hold me accountable to that.

September 23, 2005

I'm praying for you guys in Nac.. You're going to get some serious storms. Give us a call occasionally to let us know you're all alright.

September 21, 2005

Okay, I've actually been watching the news this time around. Looks like Houston is in for a doosey!

Be praying for everyone there, as well as New Orleans. They'll more than likely be flooded again.

Oh, and if you aren't already keeping people from houston this weekend, let us know, we've had some phone calls of people in need of a place to go.

September 15, 2005

We had a great birthday.

We had pizza, and cake and coke! And got to get messy and stay up late and play with new toys and everything!

He saw everything he had done, and it was good!

September 14, 2005

A letter to my son:

A year ago today, my dream was finally coming true. A year ago today I had not yet met you, touched you, seen you or heard your voice, but I knew you. I had felt you, dreamed about you and fallen in love with you long before that day. But still, I had no idea what to expect from you. I had no idea that you would bring so much love, joy, pain and fear. I had no idea you'd be such a difficult eater, or that you would be jaundiced. I didn't even really know what that meant for you. I had no idea that this day would bring three days of seperation before I could bring you home and keep you. I had no idea if I'd ever stop crying every time I looked at you. And I never dreamed you'd be so tiny! I knew you'd be precious and that I'd love you from the start, but I didn't know you'd sleep for at least six weeks and that I would beam with such pride every time I saw those precious eyes opened.

A year ago today, I knew you'd be fun, but I didn't know you'd be a fun baby, or that entertaining you would be so easy! All we'd have to do was sing or smile or make a silly face. I never realized what wanders a mirror could be to a baby until I met you. I had no idea how I'd actually look forward to changing your diaper because the attention would make you so happy. I never knew you could have both your daddy's lips and my smile at the same time. I just knew at the time that you'd be beautiful and you'd be mine.

A year ago today, I lived only on a prayer that you'd be everything we hoped. But you've already given us a thousand times more than we could have dreamed.

A year ago, I knew it would be difficult to get out of bed to take care of you in the night, but I had no idea how much harder it would be to stay there and worry or to let you cry. I never would have guessed how much pain it would bring me to let you out of my arms or my sight, even though I know your okay. I never would have guessed how much a part of me you had actually become.

A year ago today, I knew you'd be beautiful, but I had no idea how beautiful. I didn't know I would look directly into my own eyes when I looked into yours, or that I would touch your daddy's brown skin, or that you'd have that wild strawberry blondish brownish hair. I never would have guessed that we'd share the same dimples or feet. And I never would have known you'd have such a long body all the while sharing the same structure with your father. And I really couldn't have guessed that all these features could be put together so beautifully. God was really amazing when he created you!

A year ago, I knew you'd be fun, but I had no idea you'd be so funny! When you make your funny face just because you know it makes us laugh, or when you learned to snort like a piggy in church. You really are a funny guy! I never would have expected you to crawl in such a funny sort of way with your tail bone wagging like a puppy, or to have such wild Christopher Walkin hair that we don't even want to train it! I had no idea you'd do all the funny things you'd do. I'm so glad God gave you a sense of humor!

A year ago, I could have told anyone you'd be smart, but I didn't realize what it would do to me when you said mama for the first time. I knew you'd be affectionate at first, but I never realized how I could melt when you offered a kiss to me for the first time.

A year ago today, I knew I'd be proud of you, but I never expected to be so biased. I knew I'd love you, but I never expected to fall head over heals. I knew I'd change, but I never could have guessed how God would change me through you. You've made me softer, gentler, and maybe even a little kinder just by existing. It's amazing to see through you, how much God really has his fingerprints all over all of us.

A year ago today, I knew you'd be my baby, but I had no idea what that really meant.

Happy birthday little boy! You'll always be my baby.

August 12, 2005

I can't post much (which is probably preferable to most), but I wanted to thank everyone who prayed so much for their prayers. A huge burden has been lifted from our shoulders yesterday, and well, we're moving again!

Last night I spent half the night awake talking to a completely different man than I've been living with for the last few months. Not only do we have a little peace about our lives again, but I have my husband back. And I love that man soooo much.

So thanks everyone. Jeremy will be working for Tony Roma's beginning in September. This is not to say that we don't still need prayers, we're moving at the end of this month, and we're completely broke. So pray we figure something out. But God is good.

August 10, 2005

Okay this is a "response needed" post.. Calling all intellects, scholars, Christians and the like..

What does it mean to seek His kingdom and His righteousness? How do I, in a real way, go about doing that?

August 9, 2005

I'm back!

We had a great vacation. Elijah got to experience many adventures!

We started out tubing the Comal river. We couldn't go on the guadalupe cause Noah wanted to go and they won't put anyone in under seven. But he could tube the Comal and we still had a blast.

Then we went to San Antonio. We visited the alamo and stayed in a great hotel on the riverwalk.
Here we are at the alamo.

Clear as Day

We went on to Port Aransas on Thursday. We spent plenty of time at the beach. It was beautiful. You would never believe that it was the Texas coast. The water was as emerald as Panama City and clear as day as far out as you could walk. (and that was a really long way). The beach was clean and free of seaweed and the sand was soft and cool. It really was the perfect vacation. We played in the water and sun alot. Me and Eli both got tanned.

At some point during the excursion, Eli hurt his foot. But he's okay now. I think I bumped it in the night and pulled a muscle or something. But he is standing and putting wait on it again. Soon he'll be good as new!

On Saturday, we went to Mexico so that Tracy could have an experience out of the country. That was an adventure. And, well, Tracy had an experience! But don't worry, I think she will recover soon. And we made it back across the border with all our people.

Elijah got to taste so many new things as well. He had dumdums, and an oatmeal raisen cookie, french fries, coke, honey nut cheerios, and turkey! And yep, he liked all of it. Especially the dumdums!


All in all, we had a really fabulous time. And now it's back to reality. (And recovery.) I think I'm still really tired and kindof shellshocked from the adventure.

Everyone, please keep praying about the job that is still in the air at Tony Roma's. We still haven't heard back from them yet, but they had to interview seven more people. So we don't know when we'll hear something. Hope to see everyone soon!

August 2, 2005 Continued

Yea! We're going swimming this weekend!!!

August 2, 2005

I'm going on vacation this week. Jeremy and I leave today for Dallas. We'll see Michelle tonight and then go on to my parents. (Just so everyone knows where I am.) Tommorow Jeremy will have his interview with Tony Roma's and then on Thursday he has a follow up interview with another company in Houston..So If you were praying, and you've forgotten lately, please keep remembering. We need as much prayer as we can get. There is a phrase used, I think in Colossians, where Paul refers to someone "wrestling" in prayer for them. That's what we need. We need someone or someones to wrestle in prayer for us.

Please keep us in mind.

Elijah and I are going to Port Aransas and New Braunsfells this week. So we'll be thinking of everyone while we're on the beach. I'm so excited! I haven't seen my family in months!

July 22, 2005

JEREMY GOT AN INTERVIEW WITH TONY ROMA'S!!!

Keep praying guys.

July 22, 2005

Why am I moved by stories of Eden?
What does this 'lovely sadness' mean?
Am I just a traveler, who cannot remember home?
Why do I cry sometimes in dreams?

Billy Crockett

I feel that way constantly. We always sing of our home in heaven, but so often I feel so detached from those songs. It's as if I'm supposed to remember this place called home, but I don't. And sometimes it makes me feel left out. And right now, I'm feeling displaced. Is it possible that I could love Jesus more than my husband, my son, my mom and dad? Is it really possible that when we get there, we won't miss the other things? Because I really love my people here, and I guess I'm a little distracted by that. Friends, I hope you'll excuse me for being candid, but these are my true to life thoughts, and I guess if that means my faith is less than, then maybe that's something to pray for.

God, please give me small glimpses of heaven so that I may long for the day that you've created for me. And please show me the joy that comes with this life, despite where I may be located. I know that your son had no place to lay his head.. Why should I?

I'm afraid some of my more prayerful posts are becoming depressing. I hope that isn't the case but I'm trying really hard to be more honest with myself and with others about who I am in Christ. Which is nothing really in the grand scheme of things. But all I can do is pray that through the honesty, I may become different, and better.

i know why the caged bird sings..

Actually I don't. I am a caged bird, and I've all but stopped singing.

I don't think he knows either..

July 21, 2005

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things wil be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

How much would my life be different if I actually put that into practice? What if instead of first praying "Oh God please find us a job and a home and some money", what if I prayed that we would find Him and His kingdom and His righteousness? I have been struggling with that so much lately. I have faith that God has an awesome opportunity for us, but for some reason I can't muster up the faith to believe that he's powerful enough to get us there. And time is running out. But what if... Just what if I spent more time worrying about how I can be kinder, gentler, more understanding, more patient...more like Jesus, than worrying about "what shall we eat? or what shall we drink? or what shall we wear? For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them." What if I sought first His kingdom? What if I don't even know what that means? What if I don't have enough faith? What if I'm too weak? What if God doesn't come through with the things that we need?

God please give me the faith that I need for today, and show me what it means to truly seek you instead of all these things. Help me to distinguish between need and want and to trust that you will take care of my needs. God I want to be brave, and wise and more like Jesus today than I was yesterday. Please make me a seeker.

July 15, 2005

Okay he has now learned to say "Uh Oh" and he says it alot. But not as much as he says DADA. I think that he has decided to make it kind of a joke. Everytime we say MAMA to get him to say it now, he says DADA. He will mimic just about anything else we want to teach him, but not MAMA. It's okay though. My feelings aren't hurt. I'm still the one he asks for when it's time to go to bed. And I'm still the one he wants to see when he wakes up scared in the night or when he bonks his head. (Which is a really frequent thing.)

And what's not to love about that face!! He's practically a supermodel!

Anyway, on an accountability note... I remember when I was in high school, I made an effort to memorize as much scripture as possible. And now, alot of that scripture is filtering into my life at various moments in the day, which I'm thankful for. But it's as though it's beckoning me to come back and read and talk to God more. Which I have been struggling with actually doing in the last few weeks. So girls. I know we haven't been very up to date on accountability lately, but I really need it. Beat me to make me do this. Call me late in the night and ask about it. Do what you have to do. At least continue to pray for us right now.

I really liked Jackie's theme on hero's . I'm starting to feel it too. I've got alot of hero's stepping in right now. This week it's Jen and Melody. Who know's whats' to come!

July 15, 2005

Thank God for sisters-in law. I went out with Melody last night and had a blast. I have been really blessed with wonderful sisters in Jeremy's family. We talked and talked and talked. We think we're going to get together weekly. I'm glad. I was starting to get sooo lonely. I know God's taking care of me.

Anyway, this is just a quick update. I'm supposed to be feeding Eli breakfast, but I just gave him a piece of toast and a sippy cup so I could check email. He's going to get bored soon.

I'll update more later.

July 8, 2005

Okay. So I have my test tomorrow. It's hopeless. I've tried to study. But I hate studying for things when the only real thing they tell you is to study all the material from everything you ever had. It's just a little overwhelming. I just hope I pass.

But I've decided that I can't be everything for everybody, and I have my priorities. Family is still top priority, and Elijah is a full time job. Why haven't I studied much for this test?? Because I'm busy with what's most important to me. And if that's a problem, oh well. Yes I do want to be a teacher someday and I don't want to waste a degree. But Elijah is still my responsibility and I have to do what I have to do. So I'm saying ahead of time, if I fail this test, please don't give me a hard time. (I'm saying this to myself as well as to anyone else who might consider giving me trouble about it.) I just pray I pass so I don't have to take any more English classes.

And I'm home right now. If only for a day. My bed is the most comfortable thing in the world. My chair is next in line. I love being at home. I've been really homesick. I yearn to hear songs about home lately and I'm having to remind myself that nowhere here is really home.

So anyway, I guess I'm a little depressed.

July 7, 2005

I'm coming home today!!!

Jeremy is going to hitch a ride to work tomorrow, and I'm coming home a day early to get ready for the TExES exam.

Can't wait to get there.

Jackie get ready to move again!

July 5, 2005

I survived. When I woke on Sunday morning I felt a thousand percent better. Which was good because I really wanted to go to church. It is really wonderful to actually be able to be excited about church again. I had wanted to take Elijah to cradle roll class for the first time, but because it was a holiday, there were no classes. But Eli was really good in church anyway, and the sermon really hit home for me. He talked about how the early church had everything in common and total dependence on Christ and because of that they were able to give to every person as they had need.

He pointed out a verse in Ezekial that I had never read before so I wrote it down because it really cut. But I left it in my Bible and that is in the car and Jeremy has the car, so I'll have to get it later.

Okay so this has been on my mind alot lately. And it applies to so many aspects of life. My mom always made this statement to me as a kid: What is popular is not always right, and what is right is not always popular.

It's really simple, but it's becoming very meaningful to me here right now.

Thoughts?

July 2, 2005

I'm sick today. Really sick. I think I'm dying.

July 1, 2004

Life is better today. Elijah slept normally last night after a few wakings in the evening before I went to bed. I feel more rested although my throat feels as though it has a baseball stuck in it.

I think I'm going to give my thirty day notice to our apartment complex today. It's going to be costly, but we have to do it. So it looks like we'll officially be moving out of Nacogdoches at the end of the month. We're most likely moving in with my in-laws right now, but maybe..

Jeremy has a phone interview for a graphics design position with Tony Roma's. The Job would be awesome for him. The catch... it's in Plano. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but we would have to find a place to live that we could afford quickly.

Guys please keep praying.

June 30, 2005 #2

So now where he has a small bruise under his eye, he also has a knot on his eyebrow.

I think he's just so tired that it's making him clumsy. I know how he feels. He actually went to bed already tonight. At 6:00. I wanted to go to bed with him. But I will have to pick up Jeremy when he gets off work tonight (his car job) and I need to get dinner ready for JD and Carol.

I took a pamprin, and I think that's at least helping my mood a little. But it's making me drowsy.

I still feel like a terrible mother. I go on and on all the time about why I don't want to put him in childcare because ultimately he will always be my responsibility and if anything ever happens to him, whether on my watch or theirs, it's still my responsibility. And here he goes and beats himself up on my watch.

Whats a girl to do?

June 30, 2005

I'm a bad mother today...

We're learning about a little thing called nighttime seperation anxiety. And it's a really tough lesson for mom. I was up often last night. and if I wasn't up, I had a baby on me. He simply refused to sleep in his crib. And then he woke up too early in the morning.

So we were both tired. But then the dreaded.

He had two really ugly accidents right in a row. First he pulled up on a metal cabinet while I was safety proofing the room. The cabinet wasn't heavy enough to hold him and he pulled it on him which sandwiched him between the cabinet and the metal futon. He cried forever and when I could finally get a look at him there is a really nasty swollen line all accross one of his cheeks. And if that's not bad enough, not ten minutes later he falls again from a coffee table and I guess stabbed his eye with the corner of it, so now he has a swollen bruise right under his eye on the other side of his face. It looks like I beat him up.

So I guess his face hurts today. He's been horribly fussy ever since. And I'm not any better. I want to stomp my feet and scream. I'm tired, I have a sore throat, I'm having woman problems I feel like CRAP and I want to go home!

I don't even know where home is.

So in essence, life sucks right now.

June 20, 2005

I don't think we're ever leaving Houston.

We ended up not coming home over the weekend, because Jeremy has a meeting this afternoon. I think, ( who knows if this actuality) that we will be going to Dallas tomorrow. I'm getting homesick.

I recognize that we're probably going to be moving very soon, and I should get used to Nacogdoches no longer being my home. But I think what I'm homesick for is my own place. I know that most people live with there parents at some point right after college when they are trying to get on their feet. But I was really hoping not to have to do that. But it doesn't look like thats going to happen. I had a horrible day yesterday. I was so tired and extreemly emotional. This place does not suit me.

And I'm worried. We're going to run out of money really soon. Guys pray about that. I'm starting to get really nervous and it's only been a week of job hunting. I just pray that God will provide what we need in time to pay the bills.

So anyway, sorry for all the complaigning I'm doing. On a better note, (if that's what this is), I have begun studying for the test I'll take in July. Less that three weeks and I will have one test out of the way I hope. I have to pass.

Jackie, just so you know, I'm missing you terribly and thinking about you. I'm praying that you'll get through the next couple weeks and be less stressed. And Amy, I hope your baby starts to feel better. I've been trying to keep up with you guys more than you know. Hopefully we'll be home by the end of the week to see you guys.

Okay, I guess I'd better study.

"34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

June 17, 2005

Okay, I'm registered to take the TExES content exam for English, Language Arts and Reading. I have less than a month to prepare and I'm desperately looking for a grammer book. I'm not sure if I still have any of mine.

SOOO.. If anyone else happens to have one I'd love it if you'd let me borrow it. Also if anyone has any contacts with someone who has one, please let me know.

In other news, Jeremy and I are coming home for the weekend. We are packing up to leave this afternoon. But then we'll be headed to Dallas on Monday. We will be so ready for a rest when this ordeal is all said and done. Pray for rest.

Jeremy applied for a position he really wants in Fort Worth. Pray that it will work out.

Love you guys! We'll see everyone soon.

June 14, 2005

Today is Elijah's 9 month birthday!!! Three more months and we'll be celebrating a year with this blessed creature. He is crawling up on hands and knees now and is very mobil. You wouldn't believe the change that one week can be. He now has two adorable teeth and thoroughly enjoys biting things. (However he is still pretty gentle with mommys tender places). But he frequently bites my arm or hand while in the shopping cart at the store.

He is completely aquainted with swimming now. Jeremy's parents live in a neighborhood with a community pool and we've been almost every day. There is a kiddie pool there as well that is about 1 1/2 feet deep. i got him a baby float and put him in the kiddie pool and he went to town. He loves the independence.

And we're still here. I'm sure some are wandering why.. or maybe not. Jeremy is looking for jobs here in Houston currently. WE ARE FREE!!! As of Friday, June 3rd, Jeremy is no longer bound by the evil chains of Lasergraphics. However now is the part where life really gets exciting. We are looking for jobs in houston right now, and next week we will probably travel to Dallas to see whats there. (I personally prefer houston cause it's close to the beach.) But who knows where we'll end up. I do believe that God has something great in store for us in the very near future. And I'm holding on to all hope. Friends and accountability group, please pray for us fervently in this. We're going to need to find something soon.

If only we could figure out a good way to end up in Colorado...

Also, I'm registering for the Excet today. The test is on July 9th and I have one shot at passing it. Otherwise, I'll have to take a bungload of English classes. So pray for my studying and that I'll have time to do so.

I'm currently back in Jeremiah. Its funny. I just find that book so comforting in unsure times. It's so dark and bleak but yet, it's so assuring that God is still there.

So anyway, I know this is kindof a news report. But I've been without internet for a whole week and Just needed to post some good updating. I love you all and we should be back in Nac sometime around the end of this week. (we're saying Thursday morning, but who knows.) Jeremy went to a pretty successful portfolio review and he's gotten a couple of good leads, so maybe if we're lucky he'll still be needed here at the end of the week...

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

May 25, 2005

Here's my vent:

I'm tired.

May 15, 2005

Okay everyone.. Our internet is down right now so I am at the library. Just wanted to make a quick note that I'm still alive, and there's a rant coming. Amy said it might be good for me to vent in writing. You know just to get it out.. So I'm due for a good rant in the next post. Just fair warning.

Hopefully we'll get the internet fixed tonight.

May 10, 2005

I know it's been a while. I have one more final today and then I'll get back on track.. Well sort of. Not that I ever was really on track. But hey.

I forgot my dad's birthday yesterday. Well, not really forgot it. I thought it was on the nineteenth, not the ninth. He didn't believe me, but he forgave me. I'll see him next week and make it up to him then. Not sure how. Any suggestions??

May 4, 2005

Very very very bad evening.

Guys pray for me that I'll learn to tame my tongue.

May 2, 2005

My son is perfect...

I'm supposed to be finishing up a bible study on Isaiah 1-6 tonight. I read it, but I'm not ready to respond to it yet. I don't know how. I'm going to have to think about it a little longer.

But I keep getting sidetracted thinking about Elijah. I'm in the extra bedroom trying to do my bible study when and suddenly I'm distracted by the fact that just a few short hours ago we were wrestling on the bed in here, and on the floor by the kitchen. We were playing peekaboo, and I was hearing his gleeful laughter. And I'm so tempted to go drag him out of bed so we can play some more tonight. (but I won't. I'm not that crazy.) But I can't help but think how wonderful he is. (and when I say wonderful, I mean full of wander).

Oh sure, I'll admit he's developing an attitude. He's learning how to voice his opinion when he wants something. And there is just no messing with the kid when he's tired. But how blessed I am to see that smile as much as I do. I want to be more like Jesus today, so that I can be a great mommy for that kid upstairs.

Thank you God for family. Please protect them.

April 28, 2005

Just a quick note after that last blog...

I'm trying to catch up on everyone's blogs and on my own daily Bible reading, so ride my tail about it.. Calling all accountability partners, don't let me off the hook!!

(Wow I have been in east texas to long. Starting to sound like a hick. Better work on that)

April 27, 2005

Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I'm supposed to be on Isaiah 1-6 today, but from the moment I woke this morning, I have not been able to get this verse out of my mind.

Forgiveness.

Let me pre-impt this with an announcement of my love for my husband. Jeremy has been nothing but good to me for the duration of our marraige and before. My life with him could be replaced by nothing. So don't think that because I am talking about historical relationships that I'm dwelling on them. This is more for the sake of current relationships that I have to say this about the old one.

Funny I get "forgiveness" out of that verse. But that is what it's about to me right now. See if there is any offensive way in me. If there is any more offensive way in me than my unwillingness to forgive, I can't imagine what it is. Jesus said that if we cannot forgive men their sins, how can he forgive ours?

It takes ALOT of humility to forgive. First you have to have the humility to admit you'd been hurt. Then you have to have the humility to say your not over it. Then you have to have the humility to say, whether they make it right or not, I'm going to let it go. Forgiveness is a huge pride issue for me.

I was made very aware of this fact this last weekend when Rachel came to visit. See, when I was in high school, I dated her brother Matt. The break up didn't go so well. I was a junior in high school and he was in his freshman year of college. And that was about it. The next summer, I found out that he was getting married. Not sure what the time frame of all this was, but that doesn't matter now. Needless to say this took some effort to process.

Flash forward about 10 years. Now Rachel comes to visit me. We've had a few visits over the years. Rachel sang in my wedding. I was a bridesmaid in hers. I visited her over a year ago in New Orleans and she came to see me now. And we've had this conversation a few times. She always tells me that before the visit she was a little nervous about how it would go. At some point in the conversation she tells me how angry she was once with her brother. And she always tells me that he's different now. And I always tell her the same in some way or another. I'm different now. But I guess something has always been missing because for some reason we have to have that conversation every time we see each other.

And I realized it this weekend. Forgiveness. After the fact, I spent so much time being angry. My pride had really been broken. (And isn't it always a pride issue?) Then I spent several years denying that I'd ever been hurt. But that wasn't fair. To say I hadn't been hurt would deny Matt's value in my life. And then, I went on with my life. I went to college, made new friends, stayed in college, made more new friends. I got married had a child and went on with a very happy normal life. (It's amazing how that works. Eventually you do get over childhood love.) But I left out something and that was wrong of me.

I never even thought about forgiving Matt. He never asked. I didn't even wander if he wanted it. But that doesn't change the fact that God commands it. So here goes...

Matt, you're forgiven. Not for getting married to a woman you love so dearly. There is nothing wrong with that. Your forgiven for failing to seal off our relationship. I wish for all of our sakes you would have done so, but I guess you didn't think you needed to. Or you didn't know how, or whatever. But you are forgiven. I hope that you, your family and Rachel, can forgive me for holding on to this for so long. I guess I just, well, forgot. See if there is any offensive way in me...

I have been issued a great amount of forgiveness, not just from God, but from friends around me (amy and nathan, wink wink..). I should forgive more. Jackie, Amy, pray for me that I will be more humble and able to forgive more easily.

Please God, help me not to be so hot tempered. Help me to be a woman of peace. And help me to let go of my pride and forgive.

April 24, 2005

I entered Elijah into a photo contest. Go vote for him. He's so cute and I could win a memo pad!!

http://babiestoday.com/photos/041905.htm

He's the precious one in the bluebonnets.

April 22, 2005

Okay, I don't know what happened yesterday, but apparently I was showing off unfinished work all day. If you go back and read it now, though, it should make sence.

My best friend, well one of them is coming to visit today. It's so funny to call someone a best friend. I think that many of my friends are best friends given the day of the week. So not to put greater importance on any one than another. I guess it's just to say, she's special and has been for a very long time. In high school, we used to put, "Gina and Rachel, BF forever", all over notes to each other and stuff, and one time my brother-in-law saw it and, jokingly said "Bull Frogs forever". So I have since called her my bull frog, and she the same.

Anyway, Rachel is coming to visit, and I'm very excited. I haven't seen her in about a year and a half when we went out in New Orleans on my 25th birthday. Yeah, my 25th birthday was a year and a half ago. I can't believe that. And at that point, Elijah was only something I would dream about, hardly even a part of my imagination. It's amazing how time flies. I can't wait until Rachel gets to see him. She will fall in love.

So anyway, she's coming. I have a 2500 word essay due tomorrow, and because of Rachel's visit, I'm throwing a Pampered Chef party so that she can make a little money while she is here. (She lives all the way in Lubbock, accross the great state of Texas. So I had to bribe her to come visit me.)

And here I am writing on my blog. Well, I got 700 words so far on my paper! I needed to goof off for a second. I need to spend some time on the lighter side. Actually my butt needs to spend some time on the lighter side.. by the way Amy, I know where you can find your butt and you can come pick it up any time. I'm more than willing to give it back to you...

April 21, 2005

Job 1:20-21 (after learning of the deaths of his children) At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

Corrie Ten Boom thanked God for the fleas. Job praised God at the loss of everything he had..And yet most of the time when I enter the presence of God it's with a blanket of requests rather than praise. I was thinking about this in my prayer time this morning. We are to enter His presence with thanksgiving. Not only that, but we are to be thankful in all circumstances. And as I was praying I tried thanking God for the difficulty in my life. But as I did this I would say, "Thank you for this struggle because..." Like I have to explain God to myself. I would fill in the blank with whatever I think God wants me to learn from this. But the point is that I don't really know the reason for my trials nor do I need a reason. Corrie thanked God because she knew it was commanded of her. Job praised God because of his awesome power. Job understood the fear of the Lord. He respected his ultimate sovereignty. And upon learning of all the catastrophe in his life, he worshipped.

God demands that we enter his presence in worship, I think, so that we will recognize him for who he is, understanding that if all is lost, His grace is sufficient. Not to say that Job didn't suffer or grieve, but He still praised God simply because he was in control of it all. He really had no choice not to... We always want for God to show his awesome power, but none of us really think of his power in this way. And yet... Job still worshipped Him.

In Job's words, "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?"

It's easy to say and eventually even grasp mentally, but not so easy to internalize. I think I probably err more on the side of Job's wife. I have a hard time really seeing her as an intensely evil woman, but a deeply grieving woman, yes. Her heart was broken and she spoke out of her pain when she told Job to "curse God and die". I identify with her. And I like this grieving woman, could learn a lot from Job.

April 20, 2005

Job 1-2... Okay here goes. I think I'll be working on this one tomorrow as well. I struggle with Job. It doesn't seem real to me at all. It doesn't seem to add up. I've heard people speculate that it is figurative and like poetry, not to be taken literally.. a work of fiction in the Bible. Sometimes that seems so true. And I guess that's the way I feel about it tonight. Yeah, I'm just going to have to work on this one for another day.. I just haven't internalized it.

Prayer requests: My mom and dad. In fact my whole family. Their thinking about buying a house. Sister is thinking about getting back together with her husband. Lots of thinking about. Pray for them. They need God's care.

Finances. We are really crunching to figure out what to do come august this year. I really want to stay home with Elijah and maybe in another year or two, have another brother or sister for him.

On a good note: I'm learning to thank God for my body. Every single part. I thank him for how he created this body to do so many things. I'm focusing on the miracle of it rather than the appearance. And it is a miracle.

"I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139.

April 19, 2005

Psalm 2:12 Why do the nations conspire and the peoples plot in vain? The kings of the earth take their stand and the rulers gather together against the Lord and against his anointed One."

I can't help but think about all the times that even our Christian nation plots against the laws of God. I think of all the lawsuits. Of all the laws of God that are currently on trial... And I think how silly it must all look to him. We are like ants trying to overtake a giant. We can't honestly think we'll win, can we?? But yet we do. We sting and we bite as much as we can, thinking "surely he feels that!" And he does... But not the way we're thinking. Jesus died for that.

And yet, we think we'll succeed. And to an extent we do on this earth. Judges sit high in their seats and hold the lives of the voiceless in their hands. Those who are to young to speak. Those who are disabled, those whose opinions or beliefs don't matter to them. But their voices are heard by God. I can't help but think that their voices are heard by God. But our human judges and governments give permission to murder them. Without any defense. How silly we are to think that we can overthrow God with our own little self made governments.

What does this all mean to me? I guess I go with the flow to much. I don't want to be too right wing conservative because that would just make me crazy, right? But what's wrong with the crazy ant that's looking up at the size of the Giant rather than trying to bite his big toe. So maybe I should be a little more right wing than I've been before, because the nations are conspiring, and I am either with them, or with God.

April 18, 2005

This is just a quick post and I may post later. I put Elijah down for his nap at about 9:30 this morning, and it's been just over an hour and he hasn't awakened yet. I'm pushing my luck even getting to post.

I was reading Joshua 1-5 today and had a quick thought. Out of all that text, this is the most important thing I got...

Joshua 4:2-3 "Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan from right where the priests stood and to carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight."

God knew that the Israelites would need a reminder. He knew that they are prone to forget. We need reminders. I used to criticize those people who would wear crosses around their necks and on rings or hang them on their walls, like they were little alters. Or people who would use them as decorations cause they were "pretty". I know lots of us do have the wrong motivation for having crosses everywhere but they do have a good purpose. I thought it was ridiculous that we would lift up the instrument of torture rather than the man who was tortured. But that's not it. The instrument of torture serves to remind us of the man who died on it just as the twelve stones from the river reminded the people of the water that did not cover them. People are forgetful and we do often need constant reminders of what God has done. Even more than that, we need reminders that are just obscure enough that little children will ask what they mean, and we can relive the truth by telling it. That is why I should have a cross around my neck or on my finger; to remind me to tell the story.

So I guess I'll go dig out that old James Avery classic cross ring that I had put away so long ago. Because I need to be reminded to be amazed by what happened so long ago on that instrument of torture.

April 14, 2005

So I think I electrocuted myself with the blender. I'm trying to make homeade baby food for Elijah, although it's obviously not going so well. Elijah was in his jumper and he would get really nervous every time I turned the blender on. The carrots just wouldn't puree so I started pushing them down with a fork, all the while assuring Eli that the blender was perfectly safe and perfectly okay when BAM the fork flies out of my hand, the blender shoots into the air and carrots are all over me, the counter, and the carpet. Nothing hit Eli thank goodness, but needless to say, he's not to assured about this blender thing.

So now I need a new blender. It doesn't work anymore.

And I really need to learn how to use it.

And any help with making baby food would be good too.

April 13, 2005

Caught one. It was about the size of my hand. Actually Jeremy caught it. We let Elijah watch it flop around while Jeremy took the hook out. And then, ever the compassionate one, Jeremy put the remains of the worm in the fish's mouth before throwing it back into the water. Eli was kind of fascinated. You never know. I really wanted to take him fishing though. I know he's only 7 months old, but his daddy loves fishing, and I know that is something they can do together for a long time. Even if they never catch anything.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to stream in the desert in Midland. Yesterday I was listening to the cd's of the sermons and because I did not make it in time for the leadership conference I listened to those services first. One of them really caught me. Mike Cope used an age old verse, that we've all heard time and time again. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, I'll not type the whole thing. But we all know it, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." He talked about lightening up, and letting God be his own interpreter, and making choices. If I tried to write it all down, or sum it up I probably wouldn't be able to do it justice. But in essence, what he said to me was to make the most of every opportunity. People have told me that so many times, but somehow it computed this time.

Since I first found out I was pregnant with Elijah, I have struggled with intense anxiety. When pregnant, I would wake up in the night with panic/anxiety attacks. I would and do worry about everything under the sun. I worry about fire, kidnapping, SIDS, burns, drowning, etc... Anything that concerns the possibility of me losing that baby. One could attribute it to postpardum depression, I'm not sure. To be honest, I haven't been to a doctor about it. I get nervous even talking to Jeremy.

But the fact is, I'm not promised another day with Elijah. Or Jeremy. Or anyone else for that matter. And I've known that since the day my child was born. And he is perfectly healthy. But I have forgotten to remember that God knows the number of his days. Not one hasn't been accounted for. And God created him perfect for me and jeremy. Everything about him is a perfect match, even the span of his life. And if I don't lighten up, I'll miss it.

People ask the question so many times, "If you knew you were dying, what would you do today?" But I don't think that's really a fair question. Because the fact is, most people don't know when their days will end and those who do, don't usually have the liberty to do whatever it is that they want to do with their final days. We have to live our lives, go to work, take care of our families, and use the many or few resources that we have. So a better question might be, "If you knew you were dying, what would you do today with the resources and location you have." And my answer is pretty simple. Yesterday I went fishing with my family. Today we had a picnic on Jeremy's lunch break and fed the ducks. See..

This is the Day the Lord has made!!

So thanks Mike, for the message you gave us at Stream. It may be a far stretch from what you intended, and I know it's so very simple. But it meant alot to me. I have been given an incredible opportunity to show Jesus to a little person who probably knows Him better than me, and I can do so much of a better job if I forget to worry about when my job is done.

April 12, 2005

This is my first post. Obviously. And I am doing it with my 7 month old in my lap (trying to type too), while I wait for Jeremy (my husband) to come and get us so that we can take him fishing this evening for the first time in his life. And somehow, this is a HUGE event. So I guess that's about all the info I can share about myself at this point. I am a first time mom, wife, student, and very sensitive to every occasion.

Oh and Jeremy and I have a terrible history with fishing. Hope it goes well this time.