April 28, 2005

Just a quick note after that last blog...

I'm trying to catch up on everyone's blogs and on my own daily Bible reading, so ride my tail about it.. Calling all accountability partners, don't let me off the hook!!

(Wow I have been in east texas to long. Starting to sound like a hick. Better work on that)

April 27, 2005

Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I'm supposed to be on Isaiah 1-6 today, but from the moment I woke this morning, I have not been able to get this verse out of my mind.

Forgiveness.

Let me pre-impt this with an announcement of my love for my husband. Jeremy has been nothing but good to me for the duration of our marraige and before. My life with him could be replaced by nothing. So don't think that because I am talking about historical relationships that I'm dwelling on them. This is more for the sake of current relationships that I have to say this about the old one.

Funny I get "forgiveness" out of that verse. But that is what it's about to me right now. See if there is any offensive way in me. If there is any more offensive way in me than my unwillingness to forgive, I can't imagine what it is. Jesus said that if we cannot forgive men their sins, how can he forgive ours?

It takes ALOT of humility to forgive. First you have to have the humility to admit you'd been hurt. Then you have to have the humility to say your not over it. Then you have to have the humility to say, whether they make it right or not, I'm going to let it go. Forgiveness is a huge pride issue for me.

I was made very aware of this fact this last weekend when Rachel came to visit. See, when I was in high school, I dated her brother Matt. The break up didn't go so well. I was a junior in high school and he was in his freshman year of college. And that was about it. The next summer, I found out that he was getting married. Not sure what the time frame of all this was, but that doesn't matter now. Needless to say this took some effort to process.

Flash forward about 10 years. Now Rachel comes to visit me. We've had a few visits over the years. Rachel sang in my wedding. I was a bridesmaid in hers. I visited her over a year ago in New Orleans and she came to see me now. And we've had this conversation a few times. She always tells me that before the visit she was a little nervous about how it would go. At some point in the conversation she tells me how angry she was once with her brother. And she always tells me that he's different now. And I always tell her the same in some way or another. I'm different now. But I guess something has always been missing because for some reason we have to have that conversation every time we see each other.

And I realized it this weekend. Forgiveness. After the fact, I spent so much time being angry. My pride had really been broken. (And isn't it always a pride issue?) Then I spent several years denying that I'd ever been hurt. But that wasn't fair. To say I hadn't been hurt would deny Matt's value in my life. And then, I went on with my life. I went to college, made new friends, stayed in college, made more new friends. I got married had a child and went on with a very happy normal life. (It's amazing how that works. Eventually you do get over childhood love.) But I left out something and that was wrong of me.

I never even thought about forgiving Matt. He never asked. I didn't even wander if he wanted it. But that doesn't change the fact that God commands it. So here goes...

Matt, you're forgiven. Not for getting married to a woman you love so dearly. There is nothing wrong with that. Your forgiven for failing to seal off our relationship. I wish for all of our sakes you would have done so, but I guess you didn't think you needed to. Or you didn't know how, or whatever. But you are forgiven. I hope that you, your family and Rachel, can forgive me for holding on to this for so long. I guess I just, well, forgot. See if there is any offensive way in me...

I have been issued a great amount of forgiveness, not just from God, but from friends around me (amy and nathan, wink wink..). I should forgive more. Jackie, Amy, pray for me that I will be more humble and able to forgive more easily.

Please God, help me not to be so hot tempered. Help me to be a woman of peace. And help me to let go of my pride and forgive.

April 24, 2005

I entered Elijah into a photo contest. Go vote for him. He's so cute and I could win a memo pad!!

http://babiestoday.com/photos/041905.htm

He's the precious one in the bluebonnets.

April 22, 2005

Okay, I don't know what happened yesterday, but apparently I was showing off unfinished work all day. If you go back and read it now, though, it should make sence.

My best friend, well one of them is coming to visit today. It's so funny to call someone a best friend. I think that many of my friends are best friends given the day of the week. So not to put greater importance on any one than another. I guess it's just to say, she's special and has been for a very long time. In high school, we used to put, "Gina and Rachel, BF forever", all over notes to each other and stuff, and one time my brother-in-law saw it and, jokingly said "Bull Frogs forever". So I have since called her my bull frog, and she the same.

Anyway, Rachel is coming to visit, and I'm very excited. I haven't seen her in about a year and a half when we went out in New Orleans on my 25th birthday. Yeah, my 25th birthday was a year and a half ago. I can't believe that. And at that point, Elijah was only something I would dream about, hardly even a part of my imagination. It's amazing how time flies. I can't wait until Rachel gets to see him. She will fall in love.

So anyway, she's coming. I have a 2500 word essay due tomorrow, and because of Rachel's visit, I'm throwing a Pampered Chef party so that she can make a little money while she is here. (She lives all the way in Lubbock, accross the great state of Texas. So I had to bribe her to come visit me.)

And here I am writing on my blog. Well, I got 700 words so far on my paper! I needed to goof off for a second. I need to spend some time on the lighter side. Actually my butt needs to spend some time on the lighter side.. by the way Amy, I know where you can find your butt and you can come pick it up any time. I'm more than willing to give it back to you...

April 21, 2005

Job 1:20-21 (after learning of the deaths of his children) At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

Corrie Ten Boom thanked God for the fleas. Job praised God at the loss of everything he had..And yet most of the time when I enter the presence of God it's with a blanket of requests rather than praise. I was thinking about this in my prayer time this morning. We are to enter His presence with thanksgiving. Not only that, but we are to be thankful in all circumstances. And as I was praying I tried thanking God for the difficulty in my life. But as I did this I would say, "Thank you for this struggle because..." Like I have to explain God to myself. I would fill in the blank with whatever I think God wants me to learn from this. But the point is that I don't really know the reason for my trials nor do I need a reason. Corrie thanked God because she knew it was commanded of her. Job praised God because of his awesome power. Job understood the fear of the Lord. He respected his ultimate sovereignty. And upon learning of all the catastrophe in his life, he worshipped.

God demands that we enter his presence in worship, I think, so that we will recognize him for who he is, understanding that if all is lost, His grace is sufficient. Not to say that Job didn't suffer or grieve, but He still praised God simply because he was in control of it all. He really had no choice not to... We always want for God to show his awesome power, but none of us really think of his power in this way. And yet... Job still worshipped Him.

In Job's words, "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?"

It's easy to say and eventually even grasp mentally, but not so easy to internalize. I think I probably err more on the side of Job's wife. I have a hard time really seeing her as an intensely evil woman, but a deeply grieving woman, yes. Her heart was broken and she spoke out of her pain when she told Job to "curse God and die". I identify with her. And I like this grieving woman, could learn a lot from Job.

April 20, 2005

Job 1-2... Okay here goes. I think I'll be working on this one tomorrow as well. I struggle with Job. It doesn't seem real to me at all. It doesn't seem to add up. I've heard people speculate that it is figurative and like poetry, not to be taken literally.. a work of fiction in the Bible. Sometimes that seems so true. And I guess that's the way I feel about it tonight. Yeah, I'm just going to have to work on this one for another day.. I just haven't internalized it.

Prayer requests: My mom and dad. In fact my whole family. Their thinking about buying a house. Sister is thinking about getting back together with her husband. Lots of thinking about. Pray for them. They need God's care.

Finances. We are really crunching to figure out what to do come august this year. I really want to stay home with Elijah and maybe in another year or two, have another brother or sister for him.

On a good note: I'm learning to thank God for my body. Every single part. I thank him for how he created this body to do so many things. I'm focusing on the miracle of it rather than the appearance. And it is a miracle.

"I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139.

April 19, 2005

Psalm 2:12 Why do the nations conspire and the peoples plot in vain? The kings of the earth take their stand and the rulers gather together against the Lord and against his anointed One."

I can't help but think about all the times that even our Christian nation plots against the laws of God. I think of all the lawsuits. Of all the laws of God that are currently on trial... And I think how silly it must all look to him. We are like ants trying to overtake a giant. We can't honestly think we'll win, can we?? But yet we do. We sting and we bite as much as we can, thinking "surely he feels that!" And he does... But not the way we're thinking. Jesus died for that.

And yet, we think we'll succeed. And to an extent we do on this earth. Judges sit high in their seats and hold the lives of the voiceless in their hands. Those who are to young to speak. Those who are disabled, those whose opinions or beliefs don't matter to them. But their voices are heard by God. I can't help but think that their voices are heard by God. But our human judges and governments give permission to murder them. Without any defense. How silly we are to think that we can overthrow God with our own little self made governments.

What does this all mean to me? I guess I go with the flow to much. I don't want to be too right wing conservative because that would just make me crazy, right? But what's wrong with the crazy ant that's looking up at the size of the Giant rather than trying to bite his big toe. So maybe I should be a little more right wing than I've been before, because the nations are conspiring, and I am either with them, or with God.

April 18, 2005

This is just a quick post and I may post later. I put Elijah down for his nap at about 9:30 this morning, and it's been just over an hour and he hasn't awakened yet. I'm pushing my luck even getting to post.

I was reading Joshua 1-5 today and had a quick thought. Out of all that text, this is the most important thing I got...

Joshua 4:2-3 "Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan from right where the priests stood and to carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight."

God knew that the Israelites would need a reminder. He knew that they are prone to forget. We need reminders. I used to criticize those people who would wear crosses around their necks and on rings or hang them on their walls, like they were little alters. Or people who would use them as decorations cause they were "pretty". I know lots of us do have the wrong motivation for having crosses everywhere but they do have a good purpose. I thought it was ridiculous that we would lift up the instrument of torture rather than the man who was tortured. But that's not it. The instrument of torture serves to remind us of the man who died on it just as the twelve stones from the river reminded the people of the water that did not cover them. People are forgetful and we do often need constant reminders of what God has done. Even more than that, we need reminders that are just obscure enough that little children will ask what they mean, and we can relive the truth by telling it. That is why I should have a cross around my neck or on my finger; to remind me to tell the story.

So I guess I'll go dig out that old James Avery classic cross ring that I had put away so long ago. Because I need to be reminded to be amazed by what happened so long ago on that instrument of torture.

April 14, 2005

So I think I electrocuted myself with the blender. I'm trying to make homeade baby food for Elijah, although it's obviously not going so well. Elijah was in his jumper and he would get really nervous every time I turned the blender on. The carrots just wouldn't puree so I started pushing them down with a fork, all the while assuring Eli that the blender was perfectly safe and perfectly okay when BAM the fork flies out of my hand, the blender shoots into the air and carrots are all over me, the counter, and the carpet. Nothing hit Eli thank goodness, but needless to say, he's not to assured about this blender thing.

So now I need a new blender. It doesn't work anymore.

And I really need to learn how to use it.

And any help with making baby food would be good too.

April 13, 2005

Caught one. It was about the size of my hand. Actually Jeremy caught it. We let Elijah watch it flop around while Jeremy took the hook out. And then, ever the compassionate one, Jeremy put the remains of the worm in the fish's mouth before throwing it back into the water. Eli was kind of fascinated. You never know. I really wanted to take him fishing though. I know he's only 7 months old, but his daddy loves fishing, and I know that is something they can do together for a long time. Even if they never catch anything.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to stream in the desert in Midland. Yesterday I was listening to the cd's of the sermons and because I did not make it in time for the leadership conference I listened to those services first. One of them really caught me. Mike Cope used an age old verse, that we've all heard time and time again. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, I'll not type the whole thing. But we all know it, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." He talked about lightening up, and letting God be his own interpreter, and making choices. If I tried to write it all down, or sum it up I probably wouldn't be able to do it justice. But in essence, what he said to me was to make the most of every opportunity. People have told me that so many times, but somehow it computed this time.

Since I first found out I was pregnant with Elijah, I have struggled with intense anxiety. When pregnant, I would wake up in the night with panic/anxiety attacks. I would and do worry about everything under the sun. I worry about fire, kidnapping, SIDS, burns, drowning, etc... Anything that concerns the possibility of me losing that baby. One could attribute it to postpardum depression, I'm not sure. To be honest, I haven't been to a doctor about it. I get nervous even talking to Jeremy.

But the fact is, I'm not promised another day with Elijah. Or Jeremy. Or anyone else for that matter. And I've known that since the day my child was born. And he is perfectly healthy. But I have forgotten to remember that God knows the number of his days. Not one hasn't been accounted for. And God created him perfect for me and jeremy. Everything about him is a perfect match, even the span of his life. And if I don't lighten up, I'll miss it.

People ask the question so many times, "If you knew you were dying, what would you do today?" But I don't think that's really a fair question. Because the fact is, most people don't know when their days will end and those who do, don't usually have the liberty to do whatever it is that they want to do with their final days. We have to live our lives, go to work, take care of our families, and use the many or few resources that we have. So a better question might be, "If you knew you were dying, what would you do today with the resources and location you have." And my answer is pretty simple. Yesterday I went fishing with my family. Today we had a picnic on Jeremy's lunch break and fed the ducks. See..

This is the Day the Lord has made!!

So thanks Mike, for the message you gave us at Stream. It may be a far stretch from what you intended, and I know it's so very simple. But it meant alot to me. I have been given an incredible opportunity to show Jesus to a little person who probably knows Him better than me, and I can do so much of a better job if I forget to worry about when my job is done.

April 12, 2005

This is my first post. Obviously. And I am doing it with my 7 month old in my lap (trying to type too), while I wait for Jeremy (my husband) to come and get us so that we can take him fishing this evening for the first time in his life. And somehow, this is a HUGE event. So I guess that's about all the info I can share about myself at this point. I am a first time mom, wife, student, and very sensitive to every occasion.

Oh and Jeremy and I have a terrible history with fishing. Hope it goes well this time.