September 14, 2005

A letter to my son:

A year ago today, my dream was finally coming true. A year ago today I had not yet met you, touched you, seen you or heard your voice, but I knew you. I had felt you, dreamed about you and fallen in love with you long before that day. But still, I had no idea what to expect from you. I had no idea that you would bring so much love, joy, pain and fear. I had no idea you'd be such a difficult eater, or that you would be jaundiced. I didn't even really know what that meant for you. I had no idea that this day would bring three days of seperation before I could bring you home and keep you. I had no idea if I'd ever stop crying every time I looked at you. And I never dreamed you'd be so tiny! I knew you'd be precious and that I'd love you from the start, but I didn't know you'd sleep for at least six weeks and that I would beam with such pride every time I saw those precious eyes opened.

A year ago today, I knew you'd be fun, but I didn't know you'd be a fun baby, or that entertaining you would be so easy! All we'd have to do was sing or smile or make a silly face. I never realized what wanders a mirror could be to a baby until I met you. I had no idea how I'd actually look forward to changing your diaper because the attention would make you so happy. I never knew you could have both your daddy's lips and my smile at the same time. I just knew at the time that you'd be beautiful and you'd be mine.

A year ago today, I lived only on a prayer that you'd be everything we hoped. But you've already given us a thousand times more than we could have dreamed.

A year ago, I knew it would be difficult to get out of bed to take care of you in the night, but I had no idea how much harder it would be to stay there and worry or to let you cry. I never would have guessed how much pain it would bring me to let you out of my arms or my sight, even though I know your okay. I never would have guessed how much a part of me you had actually become.

A year ago today, I knew you'd be beautiful, but I had no idea how beautiful. I didn't know I would look directly into my own eyes when I looked into yours, or that I would touch your daddy's brown skin, or that you'd have that wild strawberry blondish brownish hair. I never would have guessed that we'd share the same dimples or feet. And I never would have known you'd have such a long body all the while sharing the same structure with your father. And I really couldn't have guessed that all these features could be put together so beautifully. God was really amazing when he created you!

A year ago, I knew you'd be fun, but I had no idea you'd be so funny! When you make your funny face just because you know it makes us laugh, or when you learned to snort like a piggy in church. You really are a funny guy! I never would have expected you to crawl in such a funny sort of way with your tail bone wagging like a puppy, or to have such wild Christopher Walkin hair that we don't even want to train it! I had no idea you'd do all the funny things you'd do. I'm so glad God gave you a sense of humor!

A year ago, I could have told anyone you'd be smart, but I didn't realize what it would do to me when you said mama for the first time. I knew you'd be affectionate at first, but I never realized how I could melt when you offered a kiss to me for the first time.

A year ago today, I knew I'd be proud of you, but I never expected to be so biased. I knew I'd love you, but I never expected to fall head over heals. I knew I'd change, but I never could have guessed how God would change me through you. You've made me softer, gentler, and maybe even a little kinder just by existing. It's amazing to see through you, how much God really has his fingerprints all over all of us.

A year ago today, I knew you'd be my baby, but I had no idea what that really meant.

Happy birthday little boy! You'll always be my baby.