April 27, 2005

Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I'm supposed to be on Isaiah 1-6 today, but from the moment I woke this morning, I have not been able to get this verse out of my mind.

Forgiveness.

Let me pre-impt this with an announcement of my love for my husband. Jeremy has been nothing but good to me for the duration of our marraige and before. My life with him could be replaced by nothing. So don't think that because I am talking about historical relationships that I'm dwelling on them. This is more for the sake of current relationships that I have to say this about the old one.

Funny I get "forgiveness" out of that verse. But that is what it's about to me right now. See if there is any offensive way in me. If there is any more offensive way in me than my unwillingness to forgive, I can't imagine what it is. Jesus said that if we cannot forgive men their sins, how can he forgive ours?

It takes ALOT of humility to forgive. First you have to have the humility to admit you'd been hurt. Then you have to have the humility to say your not over it. Then you have to have the humility to say, whether they make it right or not, I'm going to let it go. Forgiveness is a huge pride issue for me.

I was made very aware of this fact this last weekend when Rachel came to visit. See, when I was in high school, I dated her brother Matt. The break up didn't go so well. I was a junior in high school and he was in his freshman year of college. And that was about it. The next summer, I found out that he was getting married. Not sure what the time frame of all this was, but that doesn't matter now. Needless to say this took some effort to process.

Flash forward about 10 years. Now Rachel comes to visit me. We've had a few visits over the years. Rachel sang in my wedding. I was a bridesmaid in hers. I visited her over a year ago in New Orleans and she came to see me now. And we've had this conversation a few times. She always tells me that before the visit she was a little nervous about how it would go. At some point in the conversation she tells me how angry she was once with her brother. And she always tells me that he's different now. And I always tell her the same in some way or another. I'm different now. But I guess something has always been missing because for some reason we have to have that conversation every time we see each other.

And I realized it this weekend. Forgiveness. After the fact, I spent so much time being angry. My pride had really been broken. (And isn't it always a pride issue?) Then I spent several years denying that I'd ever been hurt. But that wasn't fair. To say I hadn't been hurt would deny Matt's value in my life. And then, I went on with my life. I went to college, made new friends, stayed in college, made more new friends. I got married had a child and went on with a very happy normal life. (It's amazing how that works. Eventually you do get over childhood love.) But I left out something and that was wrong of me.

I never even thought about forgiving Matt. He never asked. I didn't even wander if he wanted it. But that doesn't change the fact that God commands it. So here goes...

Matt, you're forgiven. Not for getting married to a woman you love so dearly. There is nothing wrong with that. Your forgiven for failing to seal off our relationship. I wish for all of our sakes you would have done so, but I guess you didn't think you needed to. Or you didn't know how, or whatever. But you are forgiven. I hope that you, your family and Rachel, can forgive me for holding on to this for so long. I guess I just, well, forgot. See if there is any offensive way in me...

I have been issued a great amount of forgiveness, not just from God, but from friends around me (amy and nathan, wink wink..). I should forgive more. Jackie, Amy, pray for me that I will be more humble and able to forgive more easily.

Please God, help me not to be so hot tempered. Help me to be a woman of peace. And help me to let go of my pride and forgive.